The 2nd Pregnancy Blues

Posted by Jessica Severson

“You may have noticed you’re larger than last time,” my OB said. “It’s only going to get worse.” This was not a revelation.

I am not even 4 months pregnant yet but I’m already feeling like I’m well into my third trimester. My hips hurt when I sleep. My back aches. I find it hard to sit comfortably. Bending over is a lot of work. I could sleep for days… if I didn’t wake up constantly.

This is the 2nd pregnancy. I was hoping this time I would feel better and be more motivated. Instead, I have just resigned myself to the inevitable much sooner. My dreams of eating meals with veggies and whole grains are already gone. My ideas for exercise have vanished. At this point, I am just settling in for the long haul.

On the plus side, it’s less surprising. I already know to keep track on how tight my wedding ring is fitting as I track whether there’s any swelling in my hands. I am not surprised when I wake up to find that my arm’s fallen asleep. I’m not embarrassed by how constantly gassy I am. And I already have a tube of hemorrhoid cream leftover from last time.

On the minus side, everything is happening too quickly. And there’s no thrill of pleasure like there was last time. It’s not exciting to retire my jeans. It’s not strange and new to put on full-panel maternity pants. Oh, and have I mentioned dealing with a toddler who wants to climb all over me?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m enjoying taking belly pictures. (Something I NEVER did last time.) And now that I’m at 16 weeks I lay in bed wondering if every little flutter I feel is the first sign of the baby. I am agonizing over choosing names every bit as crazily as I was last time.

In fact, I think the best thing about my second pregnancy is that I am really relaxed about the actual baby part. I don’t find myself facing a huge unknown of what it will be like to bring home a newborn. Last time I knew I couldn’t possibly understand or really prepare and it all felt so strange and open-ended. This time I know what I’m in for. I am ready for labor and the pain and exhaustion post-delivery. I am ready to meet my baby. I am ready to bring the baby home and readjust our lives. This pregnancy feels more real, whereas last time everything felt almost surreal.

But it’s over 5 months until we bring the baby home. That’s a long road ahead.

A co-worker of mine has been out of the country for several weeks. She just came back and when she saw me she said, “You’re pregnant! Me, too!” After I congratulated her we talked a while and realized our due dates are only a couple of weeks apart. But I look about 6 months pregnant and she’s only showing if you count the fact that her pants are getting a little tight.

I looked at her and said, “Your first, right?”

She said yes.

I felt a little bit bad that I’m so much bigger than she is. But there’s a satisfaction in the belly and knowing that the baby is there for everyone to see. Yes, there’s a lot of months to come, and this belly is going to get pretty massive. I’m okay with that.

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Nesting Is For the Birds

Posted by Jessica Severson

I’ve hit the second trimester!

At first I didn’t celebrate much because I was still too worried about morning sickness. I celebrated each full day without puking. After I hit a week I was still cautious. But it appears that it’s finally behind me. (Except that I still can’t stand the thought of a breakfast sandwich–the last food I ate before I got sick.)

I was so pleased about the ability to eat like a normal person again that it took me another few weeks to realize that I’m no longer going to bed at 8 pm. So not only can I eat again, but I’ve hit that “energy burst.”

People always talk about how much energy you have in your second trimester. To me, I don’t feel like I have “extra” energy. I’d still say I’m low-energy compared to my non-pregnant self. But compared to my first trimester (and certainly the one that’s coming up) I definitely have more.

Not that I’m doing anything with it.

Despite the fact that I can now stay up late, I still head to bed on the early side and I still nap when I have a day off work.

I don’t take the stairs up more than a flight. Not because I absolutely can’t handle it, but I still get quite winded. Apparently this is due to my asthma, which is usually unnoticeable, but is acting up with all the changes. At work I don’t really want to go up the stairs with someone only to be out of breath at the top. So yeah, elevators.

Instead of using my energy to focus on exercise or nesting, I’m just trying to get my family back to something resembling normalcy after I was out of commission for a few months. I am cooking more often. I am spending more time with my husband after work instead of going straight to sleep. I am playing with my son.

I am not cleaning the house or decorating or going on a baby-gear-purchasing spree. I could do those things, I guess. But instead of trying to take advantage of my energy to go above and beyond, I’m mostly just trying to enjoy the present. We’re only a family of 3 for a few more months. Who knows how long it will be until we get a full night’s sleep again once the baby comes.

Any way you cut it at some point I’m going to be facing my full-time job, my daily commute, my husband’s long hours, my toddler’s constant demands and a newborn. Phew. So I think for now I’ll take my energy happily, but I won’t try too hard. That part is coming.

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Staying Pals When You’re Pregnant

Posted by Jessica Severson

When I got pregnant I thought, I am not going to be anything like all the pregnant women I’ve known. All they ever talk about is pregnancy! It’s so annoying! I will be so much cooler!

I didn’t realize that pregnancy is all-consuming. It takes over your body and so it takes over your life. The trick is to keep from alienating your friends with your nonstop pregnancy chatter.

The thing I’ve found most useful is to have a few outlets.

Your Partner

If you’ve got one, and you’ve been pregnant for more than a week, they’re probably hearing an awful lot about your pregnancy. Whether you’re excited or freaked out or in constant pain, sharing what you’re going through with your spouse or partner is important.

The way I see it, we have the really tough job here. Our partners get to watch and participate as best they can. It’s important that we include them in our process. Hopefully it’ll get us a little extra help when we need it.

The other side of the coin is to be aware of hormone and mood swings. There are pregnant women out there who turn mean or sad. I have warned my husband to let me know if I really start getting too crazy so I can try my best to be respectful.

Mothers

People you know with kids are a valuable resource, and your mother in particular can share some valuable insights. Maybe you go through pregnancy exactly the same way, maybe you don’t, but they’ll probably be more than happy to talk about it with you.

And be sure to chat with your partner’s mother, since they’ll want to be involved as well. Balancing the grandparents is a big job and it’s best to get started early. When I had unbearable morning-sickness, not everyone could relate, but my saintly Mother-In-Law sent me a really useful book and some ginger tea. I really appreciated her thoughtfulness.

Friends that have kids, especially friends with babies, are an excellent resource. They are usually more than happy to talk about their pregnancy experiences. Plus their recollections probably won’t be as fuzzy as your mom’s. A word of caution: you may hear some horror stories along the way. Giant babies, months of bedrest, neverending nausea, delivery complications… these things all happen and they’ve probably happened to someone you know. Try not to get too scared by them, instead ask them how they coped and what they wish they’d known.

Once you’re pregnant, you’ll find that people will tell you all kinds of things you’d never realized existed. Carpal tunnel. Indigestion. Pinched nerves. It’s rare that people mention these things before you’re pregnant, but once you join the club be prepared to hear all of it. If you don’t have any friends who have children or are expecting, consider signing up for a pre-natal class through your OB or your hospital so you can meet some other soon-to-be Moms to connect with.

Be Aware of Your Kid-Free Friends

Not all your kid-free friends will want to avoid talking about your pregnancy. Of course you should share your lives with them. But be sure you don’t let yourself go too much. Work on being the friend you’ve always been. It’ll be the same juggling act once you have kids.

I’ve never wanted to be the friend who turned into a Mom and stopped being a friend. Having a balance in my social life is important to me. I try hard to balance activities, so not all of them involve my kid and there’s plenty of chances for us to go out and do things we’ve always done.

Sure, I can’t go out for martinis with the girls. But we can have brunch. We can go to a movie. We can have coffee (them) or tea (me). Pregnancy won’t get in the way of any of that.

I think keeping your friendships strong through pregnancy is really important. I want my life to be stable and happy and surrounded by support as things get more difficult physically and emotionally. Even if it requires a little extra effort, it’s worth it.

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Working While Pregnant

Posted by Jessica Severson

Holding down a job while you’re pregnant isn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. But it’s more complicated than I expected it to be. You have to decide when to tell people. You have to plan for OB appointments. You have to check on policies for maternity leave. There’s a lot to do. Here’s what’s been the most work for me lately.

Morning Sickness

I never got any amazing advice for being sick at work. It’s frustrating to have to be at work when staring at the computer screen makes me nauseous… along with most everything else. I don’t have the option of…ahem…vomiting at my desk since I share the space with others.

Instead I’ve had to stay very in tune with my stomach and get up very calmly and stroll down the hall to the bathroom whenever it seemed like things were about to go badly. This could happen several times a day.

Still, I guess I’m lucky. I’m not far from a bathroom. I have good climate control in my workplace. My coworkers have been considerate about smelly food.

I wish I had some excellent advice. Sadly, it’s just powering through.

Always Feeling Hungry

My morning sickness seems to be pretty much ended. Now I’m consumed with hunger all day long. I eat. An hour later I eat again. And this continues through the day. I’ve started to feel awkward about how often I get up and return to my desk with food. Plus how unprofessional it is to be eating at my desk all day.

Oh, and there’s also the fact that I have so little time and energy at home that I always forget to bring food and have to pay out the nose for my multiple meals at work.

Today I’m trying a new approach of bringing in a multitude of snacks (granola bars, trail mix, rice cakes) and a couple of peanut butter sandwiches to help ward off hunger. I’d love to be able to munch on fruits, nuts and veggies all day but they it can take a while to cut up fruit and veg, or it costs extra to pay for pre-cut.

Still, I want to try and keep myself healthy at this particular point where I’m in danger of gaining a lot of weight really fast.

Maternity Wear

I was so excited about having a Winter baby. Now I’ve realized that maybe a Fall baby would have been a better idea. My summer pregnancy wardrobe has been a breeze. Loose dresses every day, so I’m comfy and cool. (Plus most of them aren’t even maternity clothes.)

But with cooler weather approaching I am going to have to get warm leggings or just wear some actual pants. Work-appropriate maternity wear is not that easy and I expect that by my last month I won’t care much about what I can wear as long as it fits over my giant self. For now, though, I’m going to make a shopping trip and invest in a couple pairs of decent pants.

Otherwise I’m hoping to stick to some simple tanks and tops that I can wear with my regular (unbuttoned) cardigans for cooler days. Maybe eventually I’ll have to get myself a couple of sweaters. I have no idea.

What’s helped you the most when pregnant at work? What are your favorite foods to bring? What is your go-to outfit?

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Gender and Bonding with Your Baby

Posted by Jessica Severson

Besides morning sickness (which, for me, is the worst part of pregnancy), the hardest thing about the first half of pregnancy is bonding with your baby. It’s hard to bond with something that’s the size of a sesame seed or a grape. It’s hard when you can’t feel it moving. It’s hard when you don’t have a name picked out.

All the magic starts happening around 20 weeks. That’s usually when you get your 1st real ultrasound where you can see hands and feet. Plus you find out the sex of your baby.

It’s about that same time that you start feeling the little flutters that will soon turn into resounding kicks.

That magic makes the next 20 weeks more bearable, since you can feel what your baby is up to every day. When they push an elbow, you can push back. You feel them hiccup. They wake you up at night. You can start buying baby clothes without having to go to the gender neutral section of the store. You finally have an answer for the question, “Do you know what you’re having?”

It’s amazing.

But it can feel so far away. I’m at just about 12 weeks and realizing I have 8 more weeks to go… that I probably won’t get to that point until October… Well, it’s frustrating.

There’s an article in the New York Times today about a new study that found that some blood tests can determine fetal gender as early as 7 weeks. The people who comment in the article are mostly concerned with screening for health problems that are associated with certain genders or the possibility of gender-screening.

But I’m pretty sure pregnant women all over the country will have cleaned out their local drugstores within the next 24 hours. For most of them it won’t have anything to do with health problems or gender screening.

It’s about bonding. It’s about getting one step closer to knowing who your baby is going to be.

I admit, I’m a little tempted. (Though the $300+ price tag is a downer.)

I have a hunch about my baby’s gender, and instead of being circumspect, I’ve allowed it to become a reality in my head. It’s true that we’d like a girl, but in my brain she already IS a girl. And I’ve named her. And I’m imagining what she looks like.

All of that can be a little dangerous. Especially if she is a he.

I’d like to find out as soon as I can so I can either let my fantasy bloom or get a new one started. I want to be able to think about my baby as something besides a piece of fruit.

I don’t know if I’ll be forking over the cash for the at-home blood test. But I might have a little chat with my OB the next time I’m in the office…

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You and Your Obstetrician

Posted by Jessica Severson

I think every pregnant woman needs to know what to expect from her Obstetrician. A good OB is an absolute must. They’re your primary advisor for all things pregnancy and health. They’re the person you ask embarrassing medical questions to. They’re the person who’s going to be up in all of your parts on a regular basis. It’s important you have a good one and develop a good relationship.

But I think we tend to expect things to be a little bit different than they usually are.

What I Imagined My First OB Visit Would Be Like

I was miserable from being so sick. I wanted someone to make me feel better. I wanted someone to help me process the emotions of what I was going through. I wanted someone to be excited for me.

I imagined a softly-lit office, a warm room, music playing, hugs and general yay-for-babies atmosphere.

What My First OB Visit Was Actually Like

A doctor’s office. Yeah, as much as you want it to be touchy and feely, a doctor’s office is a doctor’s office. They’re all antiseptic and free from anything but the most basic decoration.

I stripped down and got into the robe. A PA did my exam. We found a heartbeat. (Yay!) And then I sat down to talk to my obstetrician.

He asked me how I was feeling. I told him it wasn’t so hot. He asked what I was doing. I told him about the gatorade, the cheerios, my routines to get through the day.

He said, “Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out!”

I know he was right, but I’d been hoping for some magic words of wisdom, some new suggestion, some special trick.

We talked for a while and then I was on my way.

What You Should Expect

The more you feel like you need visits, the less of them you’ll get. And the more you have to go in, the less you want to. It’s an unfortunate truth of pregnancy doctor visits. They start once every 4 weeks, then increase to every 2 weeks near the end of pregnancy, finishing off with weekly visits.

In early visits you’re nervous. You can’t feel your baby yet. You don’t know what’s happening in your body. For myself and most women I talk to, those early visits can feel disappointing. We want to sit down with our OB and talk. We want to be consoled. We want constant care and attention.

If you’re worried your OB is a little standoffish, it may just be they’re treating you like a patient instead of a needy pregnant woman. Give it a little time. If you’re still unsatisfied with your treatment after a few visits, ask around and get another one.

On the other hand, if you know you need extra TLC you should look into seeing a midwife or hiring a doula. My last OB had midwives in their practice and I started seeing them in my 3rd trimester. They were everything I’d hoped for. My visits were longer, we talked about how I was feeling, they answered all my questions, and they seemed very chipper and happy all the time. That was why I decided to have a midwife deliver my first baby.

Of course, in the end, my labor was uneventful and it turned out we didn’t need all that close attention and coaching we’d worried so much about, but it still made me feel more comfortable, and that was important to me.

Now that I’m in my second pregnancy I knew what to expect. This time I’m seeing a different doctor in a different office in a different city but it’s all basically the same. While I feel more confident, I still have those pregnancy jitters where I want them to tell me my baby is fine and that they’ll continue to be fine until I come back in another four weeks.

Still, the comfort of knowing I can call them any time is a big relief.

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Making the Right Choices For You

Posted by Jessica Severson

A pregnant friend of mine happened to post on Twitter recently that her husband was bringing home sushi. By the next morning she’d received 24 messages from people berating and worrying and reminding her not to eat sushi.

When you’re pregnant, you get introduced to this strange thing where your body and your choices become everyone else’s business. None of those 24 people gave her the benefit of a doubt that she knew what she was doing. Or that, just perhaps, she was eating vegetarian or cooked sushi. And, it turns out, that’s exactly what she’d done. Not that it stopped people from chiming in.

So how do we deal with the meddling? Especially since we’re already nervous and hormonal and uncomfortable?

Do Your Research

Do some reading, talk to your doctor, find out what your risks are. A lot of decisions in pregnancy are almost impossible to make since you don’t really know what the potential costs are. If you feel more comfortable avoiding anything remotely dangerous, that’s okay for you. If you feel like you will do exactly what your doctor says, great. If you take it on a case-by-case basis, awesome.

Keep in mind, the sad facts are that the doctors don’t all agree. One will tell you a glass of wine is fine now and then, another will insist you refuse all alcohol. One will say it’s fine for you to continue a medication you’re already on, another will tell you to give it up. Do your best to have a real discussion about what’s involved and what the research shows so you can make as educated a decision as possible.

It’s Different For Everyone

When you start talking to other women, you’ll realize that everyone has different things they worry about. Most of us have one thing we allow and other things we’re very strict about. We all have our own reasons and we all make different decisions.

It makes sense, after all, we don’t all have the same kind of pregnancy and we don’t all have the same life. Do what works for you.

Don’t Judge

If you don’t want to be judged by other people, make sure you don’t berate any pregnant women you know for a half a cup of coffee or a cold turkey sandwich. You can have conversations and discussions, but watch out that you don’t get too preachy.

There’s a difference between educating someone about their risks and telling someone what they should do. Make sure you’re on the right side of that line and respect people’s decisions.

It’s Good Practice for Parenthood!

Realize that all these things will become more and more common. It won’t just be what you eat. It’ll be what crib you choose. Whether you decide to breastfeed. It’ll even be what colors you choose for your nursery! Try to be open-minded and friendly with others and learn to respond to people’s well-intentioned but unfortunate comments.

As a parent, you’ll find these debates and judgments everywhere you turn. Learning to take it in stride now will have you more prepared.

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How to Manage Morning Sickness

Posted by Jessica Severson

The majority of pregnant women experience morning sickness. It can start as early as 6 to 8 weeks. For many it lasts only through the first trimester. For some it will last their entire pregnancy. Here’s what I’ve learned to help you get through.

Listen to Yourself First

Everyone is going to tell you their secrets to surviving morning sickness, including me. Listen, but remember: not everything works for everyone. In my first pregnancy I spent a month with just ginger ale and saltines because that’s what everyone told me to do. I felt sicker than ever but I thought it was the right way. Later I found out that other foods worked a lot better for me.

Feel free to try things out, but if something sounds completely unappetizing to you… that’s a bad sign.

Let your body take control. When something sounds good, that’s your body talking. Make sure you listen to yourself.

Taste, Texture and Temperature

Sometimes you know you need something in your stomach to keep from feeling really nauseous but nothing sounds good. If you don’t know what to eat, consider these three different elements.

First, taste. Many people want bland foods, but keep in mind sweet, sour and salty.

Second, texture. This is something I don’t usually think about, but many times something soft sounds better than something crunchy. I may not think I want veggies, but a cool, crispy carrot and the wet crunch of it is often just right.

Temperature is also important. Most women with nausea prefer cold foods rather than hot ones. I’ve loved eating cold ramen noodles lately, as crazy as that sounds.

Eat What You Want When You Want It

If you try to handle your eating with morning sickness like a diet, you will fail. You have to let your body go with the flow. If you want pizza but you feel like you should eat something healthier, you aren’t listening to what your body says. Something healthier may be better for you, but you also want to make sure you can manage to swallow it and keep it down. When you crave healthy foods, by all means eat them! And make sure you check in with your doctor about your weight.

Also, don’t forget you’re probably eating less but you still need your full calories for the day plus a little. So a slice of pizza won’t kill you.

This morning I thought I might go for a muffin, I ended up getting a donut because the minute I set eyes on that thing my stomach said, “Yes!” (Plus, the texture is better than a muffin, which may be dry or crumbly.) I didn’t worry about eating a donut. I worry more about actually eating.

Stay Hydrated

This was one of the things that made me the sickest last time. I couldn’t drink ANYTHING. No water, milk, juice, soda. It made me feel so much worse because I was dehydrated. There are lots of fixes for this, including fruits or veggies with high water content (hello watermelon!). Popsicles were another one that helped when I wasn’t quite up for liquids.

Some great alternatives are Gatorade or Vitamin Water, that don’t have a strong taste but will make sure you get plenty of water and electrolytes when you can get something down. Find one with a mild taste and make sure you’re drinking regularly.

Don’t Overeat

Your stomach is most likely to rebel if you eat too much or too little. Have something you can snack on (I prefer Cheerios or Wheat Thins) for when hunger strikes. But pregnancy hunger can make you think you want a lot more food than you can actually handle. Take it easy and take a break while you eat to make sure you still feel comfortable.

Some women prefer to nibble all day and some like a few small meals. Again, figure out what works for you.

Lately my go-to morning sickness cure is a toasted bagel with cream cheese and frozen lemonade.

What solutions and tips have you found to help you through morning sickness?

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What You Need to Know During Your Pregnancy

Posted by Jessica Severson

So you got a positive pregnancy test. Now what? You’re taking your prenatal vitamins, you’ve schedule an appointment with your obstetrician, but how do you really get READY?

At first when I found out I was pregnant, I was surprised and excited. Then, the very next day I started having symptoms: hip pain, back pain, nausea, insomnia AND my belly started to show. Right away I felt less excited and more frustrated.

No matter how many pregnant women you’ve known, no matter how many pregnant women you’ve seen on television, no matter how many pregnancy books you read, nothing can quite prepare you to live through those crazy 9 months.

This is my second pregnancy and I’ve learned one really important thing: at heart, pregnancy is about losing control of your body. Creating a whole new body is a pretty good reason to give your own body up for a while, but it’s still a big change.

Your body is one of the only things that’s always been yours and no one else’s, that you’ve had complete control over. Losing that can be freeing or disconcerting.

What Kind of Pregnant Woman Will YOU Be?

There are two kinds of women during pregnancy: the earth mothers and the whiners.

I am firmly in the latter category. I don’t wear it particularly well. I don’t look glow-y. You can tell me I look great, but I probably won’t believe you. For me, everything is strange and unpredictable. It’s like my body is under attack.

The earth mothers are the ones who love everything. They seem happy all the time. They take belly casts. They write letters to their babies and tell you how they LOVE being pregnant.

But when it comes down to it, the main difference between these two groups is how they handle losing control of your body.

If you’re a control freak (like me) then it’s an insult. Strange things are happening. There are pains in places there never were pains before. There is swelling. There is discomfort. Anything that was predictable before is now completely unpredictable. Losing control makes you feel unsure and uneasy.

If you’re an earth mother, you see every change as a sign of your baby. Everything that hurts is a sign of something much bigger than that hurt. I wish I could do that.

But for me, pregnancy is a marathon. It’s something I have to tend to every minute of every hour. It’s something I constantly monitor. And hopefully if I handle it all okay I’ll be healthy and my baby will be healthy and it will all be over eventually.

Getting Ready

Now that you’re in your first trimester, you probably don’t look pregnant, you may not even feel pregnant, but that doesn’t mean you can’t tune into your body and do your best to enjoy the changes that are coming.

Either way, to help yourself stay centered through all these changes, I suggest finding your day of the week. Your day is the day of your due date, the day you get to flip over from being “8 weeks pregnant” to being “9 weeks pregnant.” I still remember my son was due on a Wednesday. There was always something nice about ticking off another week, being a little bit closer, and knowing I’d made it one more week.

Whether you’re an earth mother or a whiner like me, that day is your special day for the next 9 months and you should enjoy it.

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