With Fall and back to school, everything changes. New schedules, new routines. This is a great time to look at what you expect of your child and how to work together to make family life run smoothly. Now is a great time to make changes in rules and limits.

Mornings are now busy, we have to get up and out! Some kids are great at this, others need more help. No TV in the morning is very important if you have kids who do not get ready easily. TV can be a show stopper! Some kids get sucked in and everything stops…not a good idea in the morning, when they need to be moving and getting ready for their day. Even eating breakfast in front of the TV can slow them down. No TV, unless they are all ready and waiting for when it is time to leave, then, maybe as a reward, if they can easily turn it off when it is time to go.

Afternoons should be as consistent as possible. Physical exercise is always good for many reasons. Social time is also terrific in the afternoons. Homework time should be structured. Decide when is the best time for homework. Some kids like to get right to it after school, others need a break. Just don’t expect kids to do homework too late, they are just too tired!

Make contact with your child’s teacher now. Let the teacher know you are the kind of parent who wants to be involved, any problems, you want to know, sooner, rather than later. Some parents may not want to be bothered, so teachers may hesitate to contact them until there is a major crisis. You do not want to be that parent. You also want to be very positive with your child about school. You and the teacher work together. You want to encourage your child to talk to you about any problems at school. “You know Mom and Dad are good at solving problems” They need to know they are not alone in dealing with school problems.

Now is the time to set up expectation for chores. “Summer is over, now it is important for you to do these chores every day.” make it clear. I love charts because kids are visual and concrete. Even young kids can set the table. Chores are important. ” We are a family and we work together”. That is an important message. Hold your breath because what you can do better, in two seconds, may take your child ten minutes. Don’t do it! Kids need to work and realize they are an important member of the family and that being a family member means both GIVE and take.

Review bedtimes and bedtime routines. Kids need about ten hours of sleep. With getting up early for school or day care, they need to go to bed early. Make the bed time clear and the routine easy and with a purpose. I am not a fan of big bedtime rituals. Wash, brush teeth, pajamas, read, goodnight. Keep it simple and consistent.

This is also the time of year to think about what role screen time will play in the lives of your children. How much TV, computers, video games, phone time is enough, how much is too much? Think now and set the limit and avoid conflicts later. Now is a great time to establish those limits and follow through.

We think of January 1st as the beginning of the New Year, but with kids and families, the new year begins in September. Happy New year!

When I first read Donald Winnicott’s phrase ” the good enough mother” years ago, my first reaction was, “I don’t want to be just good enough!  I want to be a great mother!” Through years of experience as a mother and child therapist, I now appreciate how important the concept of “good enough” parenting is.

With so many books, courses,  television shows and yes,even blogs, about how best to parent your children, it is easy to feel overwhelmed.  Listening to other parents can be very supportive unless the conversation turns to what is “best” for children. Then it can feel intimidating, at best, and critical at worst. We all want to give our children the very best, but what does that mean? Private lessons? Tutors? Camps? This can become very expensive very fast, especially when you have more than one child. How much structured activity is enough, how much is too much? Even what we feed our children can become a source of stress. Sugar? No sugar? Organic? Who can afford all the “shoulds” we hear about when it comes to taking care of our children?

There is no “best” way to be a parent. There is no perfect parent. And, much to our frustration at times, there are no perfect kids, at least none in my house. We all learn as much as we can,and  remember the best of our childhoods, and try to offer that to our children. We also remember what we didn’t like about our experience as a child and try to do it differently this time around. “Try” is the important word, because so many times, the words we hear coming out of our mouth sound very much like what we heard as a child!

Parenting is also value laden. We are teaching our children values every day. The importance of sharing, being organized, being healthy, working hard, these are all common values. Then there are the more personal values about religion, sexuality, money, helping the less fortunate, nature and even things like risk taking, questioning authority, and respect. Our political views get transmitted to our children, without us even trying, as do our opinions about many things. So many personal aspects of our parenting style have nothing to do with right or wrong, and everything to do with who we are as people. We are imperfect and our parenting will not be perfect.

This time of year, there are so many options for after school activities. How much is enough? How much is too much? Diversity in parenting needs to be stressed. Different parents have different needs. Some parents need to work, others feel the need to stay home. Some parents, like some children, thrive on lots of activities, or else they feel bored. . Others prefer a calmer, simpler existence, or else they feel stressed out. Children are the same, some love lots of activities, others prefer more down time. There is no “right” or “wrong” about this. The important question is “What works best for our family?”

We stumble along doing the best we can and if we do our jobs, it will be “good enough” and our children will leave us. In the end stressing about the best way to parent is a waste of time and energy. Think “good enough”, and leave the stressing to be perfect to others! Focus on what works for you as a parent, and your children, knowing you are doing the best you can. That is what you expect of your kids, why expect more of yourself?

It seems like kids are getting potty trained later and later, it used to be by age two and a half most kids were out of diapers. No pre-school would take a child in diapers. Now that seems to have loosened up and kids are in diapers and evening pull-ups longer and longer.

1. There is a lot of talk about when your child is ready, by age two and a half to three, all kids are ready, unless they have special needs.  Knowing the sensation of needing to go to the bathroom and having the ability to control their bladder and bowels until they get there, means they are ready, but it does not mean they want to get out of diapers.

1. Start with deciding this is the time. Give incentives for sitting on the potty. Read books or sing songs with your child on the potty at a time when you would expect they need to pee or poop. When relaxed, sitting on the potty, they should naturally go. Praise and stickers can go a long way to reinforcing this behavior.
2. Take away the diapers. Diapers are easier for the child than using the potty. With the option to use the diaper or the potty, many children will choose the diaper. It is easy and it is what they have always known.
3. Be patient and consistent. Stay strong and focus on positive rewards so there is not a power struggle.
4. A common problem is “relapse”. Your child has been trained and then several months later is pooping or peeing on their pants. Ugh! Certainly you want to rule out any trauma or emotional difficulty that may have triggered this. Or any medical issues, including extreme constipation or bladder infections
5. Assuming it is none of the above, your little one may just have figured out that going to the potty is too much trouble after all. Playing is so much fun, why bother to stop and go to the bathroom? They don’t mind the smell or the feel, they are used to it from the good old days in diapers.
6. In addition to incentives, which at this point may have little power. You must give natural negative consequences. Parents are often so sensitive about not wanting to shame their child about peeing or pooping all over themselves that, in my opinion, they may  seem too accepting. “Ahhh!what happened honey? Let’s quickly clean this up and you can go back to your playing.” Meanwhile what you are really thinking is “What a mess! I can’t believe you are doing this! I thought this was over!” Or maybe your thoughts are a bit stronger! It is frustrating!
7. Your child is fully capable of using the potty and is now choosing not to because it is too much of a bother. I do not think that you should punish your child for this, it is actually a rather clever manipulation! However let your child know that you are not happy, kids want to please their parents. Let your child realize that, guess what?, it is more of a bother to do it in your pants than in the potty. Because now the rule is: you dirty yourself, you have to take all this time out away from play to take a bath and help wash the underwear and get all changed, etc. Going to the potty has to become, by far, the  lesser of two evils, however you can do it
8. If your child has a tendency towards attentional issues he/she may not be paying attention to the physical feelings of needing to go to the bathroom until it is too late. This is a different issue  should be handled differently. These children need outside reminders to go to the bathroom. It often means structuring bathroom time with rules. For example, before getting on the computer, you must go to the bathroom etc. Some children even use watches that vibrate every couple of hours to remind them to go to the bathroom. Whatever forces them to focus on these needs when they are hyper-focusing on other things should work. Again, incentives to motivate them to respond to the reminders may be necessary.

This economy has been brutal for families. At best, it means saving less and spending more and more on basic needs. At worst it means unemployment and worries about all the unpaid bills. Kids are very sensitive to financial stress in the family. And they worry and yet also  want to pretend nothing has changed.

How to help your children through this stress?

Remember kids are very concrete. When their are money problems, they worry about being”homeless” or “poor”. They worry life as they know it will change and their needs will not be met. It is important to stress to them that you will take care of them no matter what. In plain terms explain to them what this financial situation means for them. Always  express to them that, no matter how bad your situation is, they will be cared for.

Parents often fight about money when there  are financial difficulties. Money problems are one of the leading causes of divorce. If you and your partner are fighting about money, you need to get help. Listening to your fights is frightening for your children. And children have Big Ears. They hear and feel everything.

Reach out and get help. Unemployment is at an all time high. You are not alone! Yet in USA suburbia, it can feel like you are alone. People are struggling behind closed doors. Open the doors. You will find many others are struggling with the same financial pressures.

It is ok for kids to know money is tight and everyone has to make sacrifices. This is real life. The American Girl Store may be off limits along with the latest gaming systems. This is not the end of the world, and children can learn to perhaps look more closely at what is important. There are many happy families who have little money and many unhappy families who have too much.

Don’t be surprised if parental unemployment is far from stressful for your kids. It could be a great thing to them. More time with Mommy/Daddy. When the unemployment ends, and you are celebrating, they may be stressed. Less time with Mommy/Daddy.

Financial stress, like all other stress, needs to be managed. Your job is to take care of your children and get the help you may need to do that.  Children worry about their sense of security. You need to give them that, and also take care of yourself through this financial crisis

Strong families are built through experiences, the good and the bad. Helping your children through this is a challenge with it’s own rewards. Reach out to others and get the support you need. The plus of this terrible economy is that so many families are in the same boat. This is the new normal for many many families.

So many parents have sleep problems with their kids. When your kids are not sleeping, no one is sleeping! With our busy lives, we need our sleep! This can feel like a nightmare because when it is bad it impacts the whole family!

1. Sleeping issues are problems that can be solved.  The younger the child, the more indulgent you should be. Babies often do not sleep for a variety of biological reasons. Hunger, digestive systems that are not yet working smoothly, to who knows what?.  I am not a fan of letting babies cry themselves to sleep. Soothing a baby to sleep through rocking, singing, patting, back rubbing, has gone on since the beginning of time. And nursing babies frequently through the night is what some babies need. With babies, these are not sleeping problems, these are baby demands that are normal.
2. The older the child, the more you need to assess the situation and think in terms of establishing a consistent routine and setting limits.  Going to bed is a huge separation for a child. It is the rare child who is eager to go to bed at the end of the day. Every child should have a well known “bed time” and things they need to do to get ready for bed.  With rare exceptions you need to stick to this. Children like to know what is expected, when it changes frequently, they get more confused and difficult.
3. Unlike babies, young children need to learn how to sooth themselves to sleep. Incentives for going to bed without a fuss and staying in bed through the night can be very useful when this is a problem.
4. When a child is having trouble settling down to go to sleep, music or a book that can be played (as long as it is a story your child knows!) can be very useful. Something distracting, so they can focus their minds on it, but not stimulating, can be very calming.
5. I believe children need to sleep in their own beds and not with mommy and/or daddy. They need to have a sense that their bed is safe, and to develop the ability  to  sooth themselves.  Parents need time to themselves, without a little one squirming in the bed.
6. Single parents, in particular sometimes have trouble with bedtime and kids in their own beds. Remember, your child needs the independence of sleeping alone. It often gets to the point that kids are sleeping with their parent and deeply ashamed of it. They would never want their friends to know, it is too babyish. As exhausting as the end of the day can be for single parents, it is important that you also have your own time. And special cuddle time with your child can happen outside the bed.
7. Anxious children may need help to manage their anxiety, but remember when your child is scared to sleep alone and you take them into your bed, you are reinforcing the idea that their bed is not safe, they do need to sleep with you. This then can quickly become a habit hard to break.
8. Just like adults with insomnia, children  can get all worked up about how they are not getting to sleep. They worry that they are not asleep. Yes and the more they worry, the more they can’t sleep and the more they can’t sleep, the more they worry. Get the clock out of the room. Tell them it does not matter what time they get to sleep, resting quietly in their bed is as good as sleep. Their bodies will take them to sleep when they are ready. They will stop worrying and fall asleep.

Remember, the younger the child, the more you sooth and comfort. The older the child, the more you focus on being consistent and setting limits. Use incentives when needed and things like music that can be distracting but not stimulating. Be patient, stick to your guns and have

This is an age when the “boomers” sometimes don’t want to be reminded that they are getting…well, old. Being a grandparent can be a reminder of that. Some grandparents do not want to be called “grandma, grandpa, nana” . They prefer other names.

Who cares?

Let them be called what they want! The biggest issue is how to integrate grandparents  into your new family. They may be viewed as wise experienced loving family members who have much advice to offer, or intrusive, judgmental and totally out of date family members who should mind their own business! If they are like most grandparents they are probably both!

How could parenting kids from one generation to another be so different? In the animal kingdom, my guess is it is all the same from one generation to another. Ahh we are not animals. Every generation seems to change the rules and want to, perhaps, do it better this time around.

Grandparents have to learn to bite their lip and only give advice when asked. Ohhh this can be hard!  However, they also need to feel respected and that they have a special role in the lives of your children. Of course, grandparents have to remember they had their chance to raise their children the way they wanted. Their grandchildren are not their children. They must remember the parents are now the deciders!

That said, it is so important to support your children to have the best relationship possible with their grandparents.  It can be a magical relationship. Loved and indulged with few limits. I think that may be  the definition of heaven! Keep in mind that people who were really not very good at being parents may shine at being grandparents. Step aside and let that develop, it is a gift you are giving to your children.

It also gives your children the opportunity to relate and love others in another generation. That can only be good to promote empathy, tolerance and true love. They also learn about history, first hand! Most importantly they learn about how to care for loved ones who gradually need more care. That is an invaluable life lesson.

What if that is not possible in your family? I realize some grandparents are self centered and have no interest in being involved grandparents. Other grandparents are not good influences or can not be involved for whatever reason. However, there are many elderly people who would love to connect with children. You just need to find them. It may be other older relatives in your family, older friends or parents of your friends.

Multiple generational relationships are good for all of us, it reminds us all of the wonderful cycle of life. It also helps us to become less self centered, that is true for children and grandparents as well. As a parent, never underestimate the wonderful gift grandparents can offer your children. If their are conflicts, try to open communication. Parents need to feel respected for their primary role and grandparents need to feel respected for what they have to offer. Reinforcing the feelings of respect often minimizes the conflicts. This may be a process of defining new roles, but it is a process that is well worth it. Don’t forget, grandparents often make great babysitters!