If your baby wakes up at 2 a.m. hungry, and you get out of bed, bring the baby to your partner, burp him when she’s done, do a quick diaper change, and slip him back into his  rib, every single woman your partner knows will hear about how you’re the most amazing, chivalrous, wonderful guy. You’ll also be sleep deprived out of your mind. So here’s the politically incorrect solution: if she’s breastfeeding, you might as well stay in bed and let her take care of things. I know, I know, that sounds pretty boorish, but really and truly, there’s not much you can do to help. In fact, your sleeping through the feeding may actually benefit your partner. That way you get a full night’s sleep (or at least more than just a few hours) and you’ll be relatively fresh for the 7 a.m. child-care shift, and she’ll get to spend a few more precious hours in bed.

If, however, you’re bottle feeding your baby, all bets are off and you should do your fair share of the feedings. You might want to work out a system in which the one who does the 2 a.m. feeding gets to sleep in (or gets breakfast in bed.)
Sometimes, though, your baby wakes up for no other reason than to stay awake for a few hours and check things out. In this situation, you and your wife can split the child-entertainment duty or stay up together and see what’s on late-night TV. It’s a great way to catch up on all those CSI episodes you missed or to finally work though that huge list of shows that have been cluttering up your DVR.

Many of us—-dads and moms alike—-fall into the trap of assuming that women instinctively know more about kids than men. On average, women tend spend more time taking care of children than men do (although that has changed a lot over the past decade or so), and for that reason, their skills may be a little sharper than ours. But people aren’t born knowing how to be great parents. All the competence and confidence comes from experience and on-the-job training. If you’re willing to put in the time and effort, you’ll be able to have an active, involved relationships with your children.

Here’s how to start:

• Get plenty of practice. Don’t assume that your partner magically knows more than you do. Whatever she knows about raising kids, she’s learned by first doing a bunch of things that didn’t work. There are no shortcuts here and you’ll have to do the same.
• Take charge. Ultimately, if you don’t start siezing the initiative, you’ll never be able to assume the child-rearing responsibilities you want–and deserve. In all the times I’ve seen women pluck crying or smelly babies from their husbands’ arms, I rarely ever hear a man say, “No, honey, I can take care of this.” So instead of handing your baby over to mom, try something like, “I think I can handle things” or “That’s okay; I really need the practice.” If you need some advice, don’t be shy about asking your partner—you both have insights that the other could benefit from. But have her describe what to do instead of doing it for you.
• Be proud to be a dad. Men and women have different ways of interacting with their children; both are equally important to your child’s development. So don’t let anyone tell you that wrestling, bouncing around on the couch, and other physical, guy things are somehow not as important as the “girl things” your partner may do (or want you to do).
• Get involved in the day-to-day household tasks. This means making a special effort to pitch in when it comes to responsibilities like meal planning, food and clothes shopping, cooking, taking the kiddies to the library or bookstore, getting to know their friends’ parents, and planning play dates. Not doing these things can give the impression that you don’t think they’re important or that you’re not interested in being involved.
• Keep communicating. If you don’t like the way things are going, let your partner know. But be gentle. If at first she seems reluctant to share the role of child nurturer with you, don’t take it too personally. Men are not the only ones society has done a lousy job of socializing.  Many women have been raised to believe that if they aren’t the primary caregivers (even if they work outside the home as well), they’ve somehow failed as mothers.

It’s in everyone’s best interest for you to do everything you possibly can to become an involved father. It’s not easy, but the rewards—for you, your children, and your partner—are incalculable.

For some men, sex during pregnancy is an incredible turn-on. But for others, it borders on the revolting. Where you stand on the issue depends on a lot of factors, but one thing is pretty much guaranteed: When your partner is pregnant your sex life will change.

In the first trimester your partner’s pregnancy might make you hornier than ever. For many of us, getting our partner pregnant is a kind of confirmation of our masculinity (before becoming expectant fathers, a lot of us secretly fear that we’re sterile, and there’s nothing like impregnating someone to make you feel like, well, a fully functional man. That last comment, by the way, in no way means that I believe that men whose partners become pregnant through artificial insemination are any less masculine). In addition, a lot of expectant fathers feel closer to their wives than ever before, and that closeness is often expressed sexually.

For others, the first trimester (and, possibly, the entire pregnancy) is when the sex drive starts to go bye-bye. Before your partner got pregnant, she was your wife, the beautiful, sexy woman you loved, and her breasts and vagina were fun. But now that she’s pregnant, her body has morphed from fun to functional. Even worse, when the pregnancy’s over, you know she’s going to be a mother. And mothers aren’t supposed to be sexy, are they? And if you’re the kind of guy who believes that sex is purely for procreation, now that she’s pregnant there’s no sense in doing it anymore.

As the pregnancy progresses, the differences between the wanna-have-sex’s and the don’t-wanna-have-sex’s continues. Most men, for example, find their partner’s growing body to be the essence of femininity and, therefore, quite a turn on. Others don’t. Their partner’s growing abdomen and leaking breasts may seem more messy than enticing.

But perhaps the most common reason men (and women) cut back on their sex life during pregnancy is a fear that they’ll hurt the baby. If you’re in this category, relax. Your baby is safely cushioned in an amniotic fluid-filled sac and unless you’re having very rough sex you have almost no chance of injuring anyone.

Your partner’s ideas about sex during pregnancy can also run the gamut. And in future posts, I’ll talk about your sex life—from her perspective—and give you some tips to get your sex life back in sync.

When a woman has a miscarriage, those around her rally to her side, supporting her, comforting her, helping her cope with the devastating loss—which is exactly what they should be doing. But what about her partner? There’s no question that men don’t suffer the physical pain of a miscarriage, but our emotional pain can be—and often is—as severe as women’s. Expectant dads, like expectant moms, hope and dream and fantasize about their unborn children, and most of us feel a profound sense of grief when those hopes and dreams and fantasies are dashed. And, just like our partners, most men feel inadequate and guilty when a pregnancy ends prematurely.
Although there are plenty of similarities, men and women experience and express their grief in very different ways. Women, for example, tend to grieve openly. As a result, they’re more likely to get support and comfort from friends and family. Men, on the other hand, tend to keep their feelings bottled up inside and rarely let anyone know how much they’re hurting. And to make things even worse, these men also feel guilty about having their own feelings and not focusing 100 percent on their partner.
Like it or not, miscarriages take a real toll on your emotions, which is why you need to get as much emotional support as you possibly can, as soon as you can get it. The first step is to talk it over with your partner. Ask her how she’s feeling and be supportive and sympathetic, but tell her how you’re feeling too.
If she’s unwilling or unable to be as supportive as you need her to be (don’t be too harsh on her if she isn’t—she’s going through a tough time too), talk to a therapist, your priest or rabbi, or even a close friend. But under no circumstances should you don’t just sit back and wait for someone to ask how you’re feeling. You’ll be waiting a long, long time.
In future posts I’ll talk about some additional ways grieving dads-to-be can get support after a miscarriage.

Given that women are the ones who carry babies, it’s not surprising that most of what an expectant dad goes through while his wife is pregnant will be psychological. But, strange as it sounds, men can experience some physical symptoms as well. In fact, somewhere between 25 and 90 percent of dads-to-be in this country experience couvade syndrome (from the French, “to hatch”), or “sympathetic pregnancy.” The symptoms are pretty much the same as those women complain about during pregnancy: food cravings, mood swings, and weight gain. But some are a little stranger—especially for a guy—such as toothaches, headaches, itching, nosebleeds, and sometimes even cysts.
In most cases, couvade symptoms first pop up around the third month of pregnancy, taper off for a bit, then pick up again in the month or two before the baby is born. The good news is that they almost always disappear at the same time as the baby appears.
No one knows for sure why men would experience these symptoms but there’s no shortage of theories. One has to do with the old provider-protector thing: As men, we’re programmed (socially or biologically, take your pick) to try to protect our families and shield them from harm. Since there’s nothing we can do to minimize the discomfort and pain our wives experience during pregnancy, our brains come up with a unique (and completely irrational) solution: take some of it on ourselves. This is particularly true for dads-to-be who feel (or have been told that they’re) responsible for having “gotten her into this in the first place.”
Another theory has to do with jealousy (which we talked about from a different perspective in a previous post). In this case, some expectant dads who develop couvade feel left out and are subconsciously trying to get people to pay a little attention to them—to recognize that they, too, are becoming parents. It’s as if they’re saying, “Hey, she’s not the only one whose jeans don’t fit anymore!
Interestingly, it turns out that there may actually be some hormonal reasons for men’s pregnancy symptoms. We’ve all heard about pregnant women’s constantly changing hormones, right? Well, one fascinating study found that pregnant women’s husbands’ levels of the same hormones (including estrogen, which men have too, but in smaller amounts) rise and fall parallel with their wives’ levels. This may explain why most expectant dads find themselves paying more attention to children in the months before their own are born.
One final theory is that couvade symptoms are the expectant dad’s subconscious way of showing his wife that he’s serious about being with her. After all, it’s easy to lie about loving her and wanting to be a good dad, but it’s a lot harder to fake a nosebleed or a 20-pound weight gain.

As a new dad, one of the strangest feelings you’re likely to experience is jealousy—particularly if your wife is breastfeeding. And it makes sense, if you think about it: mom and baby are spending a huge amount of time together doing something we men can’t possibly compete with, and it’s easy to feel left out.

But the big question is, who’s really making you jealous? Your wife because of her close relationship with the baby and all that extra time they spend with each other? Or is it really the baby for knocking you out of your place as center of your wife’s universe and for having full access to her breasts when they may be too tender for you to touch? Probably both.

The first step toward getting over these feelings of jealousy is to have a heart-to-heart with your wife. Whether you need more attention and emotional support from her, more private time without the baby, or more private time with the baby, tell her as clearly and honestly as possible.

It’s not going to be easy: After all, she’s just had a baby and you, as a man, are supposed to be supportive, right? You may worry that she’ll think you’re a wuss, or you may already be thinking that yourself. But, tough as it is, you need to get over it. Right now.

Burying your feelings of jealousy is deadly. It’ll make you resent your wife and your baby and could ultimately damage your whole experience of fatherhood.

Talking is really just a first step. You’ll also need to get some extra time with your baby—especially doing things that involve skin-to-skin contact such bathing, cuddling, playing, putting  him to bed, and changing diapers. You can also do some bottle feeding if your wife is willing to pump breast milk or if you’re formula feeding. These activities and others, such as taking the baby along when you go grocery shopping, or even dropping him into a frontpack and heading out for a walk, will help you bond and build your own solid relationship with your child, independent of your wife. Once you’ve done that, there won’t be anything left to be jealous of.

As important as childbirth education classes are, there are a few things they won’t teach you but that you really should know.

1. Ask questions—as many as you need to. No matter how much reading you’ve done or how wonderful your class was, something unexpected is bound to happen during labor or delivery—it almost always does. In those cases, ask the hospital staff to explain everything they’re doing, every step of the way. Of course, if it’s a medical emergency, you might have to save your questions.
2. Stand up for what you want. Your baby is the one being born and to the extent possible you should have the birth experience you really want to have. So if you want a full Mariachi band to serenade your baby into the world, be assertive. But keep in mind that there’s a big difference between being assertive and standing up for yourself (and for your wife) and being overbearing, obnoxious, and antagonistic. So be nice.
3. Ask for help. Most childbirth prep classes focus on how you can help your wife—breathing with her, rubbing her back and her legs, telling her stories, feeding her ice chips, and all sorts of other things. But you’ll rarely, if ever, hear that it’s exhausting and sometimes even scary, and that you—yes, you—could use some relief and comfort too.

A few weeks ago I introduced the idea of dads having a major role in breastfeeding. We talked about the advantages—to the baby and the new mom—of nursing, and about some of the feelings (not always positive) that can come up for new dads and can sometimes erode their support for it.

In this post, I want to take that discussion a little further by talking about how you–dad—can overcome those feelings of being useless and take on a more active role in the process.

Feeding is hands down number one on everyone’s list of most important aspects of caring for a baby. At the same time, there’s no question that if your partner is breastfeeding you’re at a bit of a disadvantage in that regard. Given that your partner has control of the breasts and the food that’s in them, it’s tempting to back off and leave the whole feeding thing to her. Don’t. There are actually a number of ways you can—and should—get involved in the process and help make breastfeeding as pleasant an experience as possible for everyone:

• Bottle feed the baby with breast-milk. But don’t push too hard on this one; many women find expressing milk (manually or with a pump) uncomfortable or even painful. Before starting bottle feedings, though, wait a week or so until mom and baby have both mastered breastfeeding.
• Don’t take it personally if your baby seems less than interested in taking a bottle from you. Once they’ve gotten used to their mothers nipples, some babies get a little surprised when presented with a plastic one. Others may simply refuse to take a bottle at all, probably just on principle. But don’t give up. Plastic nipples, like real ones, come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. So you may have to do a little experimenting before you and your baby discover the kind she likes best (which may not have anything in common with the kind you like best.)
• Get plenty of private time with the baby. Things like changing diapers, cuddling, putting to sleep, bathing, and even just sitting in a chair reading while the baby naps on your shirtless chest are great. So are walks in the stroller, trips to the grocery store, or anywhere else you can think of. The goal here is to give you and the baby a chance to be alone together and create your own relationship that’s independent of mom.
• Support your partner any way you can. The current thinking among pediatricians is that women should try to breastfeed for at least a year. Interestingly, studies have shown that the more supportive their partners, the longer women breastfeed and the more confident they feel in their ability to do so.
• Be patient if your partner seems less interested in sex. Imagine, for example, that someone has been crawling all over you and sucking on your breasts five or six times a day for fifteen or twenty minutes a crack. You just might be somewhat less than completely enthusiastic about having yet another person grope you at the end of the day.

Ask almost any expectant father about breastfeeding and chances are he’ll agree in a heartbeat that it’s the best way to feed a baby and that his partner should definitely nurse their child for as long as possible (or at least as long as the pediatrician and other experts recommend). And he’s absolutely right: here are just a few of the advantages:

- There’s no prep, no warming, no bottles or dishes to wash
- It’s free—formula’s not cheap
- There’s always plenty when the baby needs it, and there’s never any waste
- It helps the new mom bond with the baby
- And it helps the baby by providing the perfect blend of nutrients. Breastfed kids have a much lower chance than formula-fed kids of developing food allergies, respiratory- and gastrointestinal illnesses, ear infections, or of becoming obese as adults. It may also boost their immune systems
- Diapers don’t stink (this is the only time your baby will be able to actually say “my $#!% doesn’t stink” and not be lying. Diaper contents actually smell kind of sweet—especially when you compare it to the formula-fed kind.

But for a lot of guys, things change after the baby comes. No question, they still support breastfeeding and agree that it’s the best thing for everyone. The problem is that they often feel left out. More specifically, most new dads feel some or all of the following:

- Worry—that he won’t be able to develop a relationship with his child
- Inadequacy—that nothing he could ever do could ever compete with his partner’s breasts
- Resentment—towards the baby who has “come between” him and his partner
- Relief—when the baby is weaned, because now he’ll have a chance to start catching up in the bonding department
- More inadequacy—as if the fact that women can breastfeed somehow magically gives them the knowledge and skills that make them naturally better parents (which means, of course, that men just aren’t suited for the job). I talked about this in last week’s post. If you missed it, you can read it .

In future posts I’ll talk about some important steps dads can take to overcome these feelings and start building a relationship with their baby that is completely independent of the mom.